Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
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teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Perfect
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Roses are red, you always mattered,
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out