The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”