“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.