ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time