I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Ugh
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for