When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.