Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.