To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already