Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Introverted vegans go meetless
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*