Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.