Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.