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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Proctology is located in A55
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.