Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.