In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
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So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?