No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?