Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
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[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
are there any atheist mantises?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.