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*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great