judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
You Might Also Like
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.