I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
what does he know…
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr