A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
uh oh
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Here’s a meme
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.