I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.