I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.