Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
*skinny dips into black hole
No chill.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere