My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.