“We will wed,” I threatened
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[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.