ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK