I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Jokes on them. I took 10.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.