I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.