There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.