i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”