Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel