did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
You Might Also Like
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.