My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
when u come home smelling like another dog
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it