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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.