Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Sometimes? I’m slipping
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.