Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Confused owl: What?!
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party