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Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
#TopTip
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.