If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
this country is so goddamn polarized