massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
you gotta be faster
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.