Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
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I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Why is no one talking about this?!
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers