Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
.. do you even science?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same