Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
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CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.