Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Bring back the McRib
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
somebody come look at this
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?