Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Finished stitching this today 😇
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.