Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.