Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
You Might Also Like
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
What do you hear?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on