Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
#CatsOnTwitter
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
#NoRestForTheWicked
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.