Mummies are just super modest zombies
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you