How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.