they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
me: my friends:
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.